It has been 5 full months since my wife dropped the bomb. "Look I am not in love with you anymore". Since that shocker, we have had a whirlwind of change and to be honest, the light is still dim. But there is a light. My wife I believe is going through a huge midlife transformation. For 2 years she has been online with an ex bf on and off. She goes out and parties with the girls and has in my opinion been hugely influenced by a set of divorced woman. Still, I am at peace now. For those of you going through a spouses midlife crisis, or transformation as I refer to it, unless you knew about this stuff, you are likely going to become your most embarassing self. But as you soon will find, there is nothing you can say to accelerate you spouse out of this any faster. As my therapist says, it is a process. So you will hopefully build up the courage to keep quiet and build your own life as if this current one is gone. It does not mean that you are done though. Life got in the way for us, I did not tend to my wife in hindsight the way I should. But now I see the need to stop judging and stop being critical. Love your wife for who they are as they need your support. Calm down and she might slowly come back. So here is where I am in this midlife journey. I am spending time making my whole family feel safe. I am not blaming. I am growing up myself. I am detaching from my wife as she sorts through the very difficult period in her life. I am still with my wife and I hope we remain, but I can only control myself.
Tired and lonely
Thursday, April 30, 2009
5 months in
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4 comments:
Hang in there Lonely - You seem to be doing the right things. From what I understand it is likely that you have done your fair share to get you to this point. Perhaps you have been a perfect husband and this Midlife transformation (of the turbulant kind) is really 100% your wife. But I am sure that you had your hand. Having said that, it is not up to your wife to come to her own conclusions. If you were a genuine person,and you are making genuine attempts to change, then, I think you have a good chance to restore your marriage.
Wondering what every happened to T &L, three years later. I am in exactly the same situation: Spring 2011, my wife sends me smiley faces with her emails, says "I love you," calls me a "cute guy," seems happy with me if busy and overworked. A year later, she is "not in love with me," has been harboring resentments for years, and shuts me off emotionally and physically. She is having an emotional affair with my son's soccer coach. She's become obsessed with exercise. She lashes out in fear and anger, even at the children. I was by no means the perfect husband, and I'm not done improving myself either, but I've learned and addressed many of the changes I need to make in myself. But no change in her.
Following the detach, calm down, and be compassionate program. I do not believe "waiting and hoping" is a plan, but staying active, being patient, and getting my own life is. Takes more emotional strength than I have ever needed for anything, however....
http://www.amazon.com/Navigating-Spouses-Midlife-Crisis-ebook/dp/B00AL0BJGS/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355183008&sr=1-2&keywords=darrin+mccourt
my wife woke up one morining and said to me she does not love me any more and didnt want to be married any more after 20years of a great marriage with 3 children we had everything its been three months later and she is getting worse she doesnt give me any time and doesnt give me hope in our marriage i dont no what to do any more so sad.
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