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Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Imagine you have been married for 15 years, and you perceive your spouse completely loses it. That is an awful way of putting a mid life crisis, but, that is how it feels. It is not really that, it just feels like your life partner woke up one day and snapped.
You have no choice. Support. Let Go. Grow! What does this mean? Well likely the process to get to this point has been a identifiable combination of stresses over years far beyond your marriage. All you can do is show your support. If they want to move out help them. Why? Because you own nobody. And their freeewill is what they need.
Let Go. This is where we learn so much is out of our control.
Grow. Rembember those stresses? You were one of them. Sorry, it is the truth. Dummy :) But we are all human so if you want to improve who you are here is your chance. Here is the other tip. Don't tell anyone you are growing.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
What? Yes, during your spouses midlife crisis, they will tell you "they don't feel it", "I don't think we are a good couple" or provide you with several other lines that will feel like a knife has gone through your heart. You could lose weight from the nervous stress that you undergo too. For some, this can be a good thing.
In the end, if you want your marrige to be restored (with no guarantees) you are going to have to patiently wait while your spouse, books a trip, goes to more rock concerts, goes out to party, and trys to find the solution or fountain of youth. In the end the scary part is that a spouse going through a midlife crisis may be gone forever. And at some point you have to decide if the pain and suffering is worth the wait. How can a spouse that says you are perfect for me one day think you are the worst person on the planet the next? Your patience during this time will be needed like never before. One day your spouse might even talk to you about something meaningful and the next they may snap at you for no apparent reason. A midlife crisis could take years to unfold as this person wants to ultimately become the person they always wanted to become. And to do that, they need to take risk. But the risk they take in the beginning is usually some sort of affair that fills some sort of need. Meanwhile most people that have affairs, do not move on to have a long lasting relationship. Some never figure this out and go from unhappy relationship to unhappy relationship....Sad.
Regardless, this is going to take time and a toll on your family. Can you stay COMPLETELY CALM? Can you separate so many emotions? Can you practice the greatest virtue in getting through midlife? Patience.
Monday, May 4, 2009
So as much as your mid life spouse "can't love you" right now, you have got to remember back to when you had an obsessive ex when you were a kid and how much that drove you nuts. DETACH. Meaning, get a life and move on the best you can. Obsessing over a spouse of 20 years or 20 days is a waste of time.
During your detach program, however, you need to focus on yourself and your children. Take your kids to a ball game, take your kids for a walk in the park, walk in the woods, eat better, stop drinking (Can be depressing), go wall climbing, build something, fix a car, clean your car, ge a haircut, read a book, have a coffee, play sports, sign up for sports that you have not played in a while. Do you get the point, LEAVE YOUR MIDLIFE SPOUSE ALONE....Detach....
Here is a great post on detaching! Developing Detachment
Sunday, May 3, 2009
For many, a midlife disturbance is like getting hit by a truck, but the truth is that some people go through this time closer than ever with their spouse. It could take a while...Years! Are you ready?
Friday, May 1, 2009
You are not the first one to wonder about the world wide web and its effect on the midlifer...it can be down right scary. Why is someone who in 20 years has never took the time to contact your spouse, now taking the time? The answer could be simple or more complex. There are lots of nice people out there, but men can be predators to the woman not happy in their marriage. Look for those men the have a stockpile of good looking women as friends on a site like facebook. What egotistical reason might there be for having so many women as "friends"? It all starts with a complement. To some men it is like fishing. Then, a flirtatious comment, then who knows. But under the protection of your own email account, it might be safe. Who knows though? Look at the current "craigs list" eposide where a man is potentially stepping way over the line...
If you are in midlife and spending an abnormal amount of time on the internet, you might be addicted and this short term fix of attention might not be as good as the long term effort you can make to establish a deeper connection with your spouse. The internet in midlife crisis mode can be a dangerous past time. Just try and take a good look at yourself and your online affairs. It might be fun in the short term, but it could be very damaging in the long term.
Good luck midlifers!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I don't know. I certainly don't think that we should take this midlife stuff so personally. There are people that go through difficult times in midlife and it can be a hugely sobering experience. In addition, it is possible that your spouse may be going through some sort of depression. Chemical imbalances are possible and it may not be a crisis, just a form of depression. Who know the size of the world market for anti-depressant drugs. It has got to be in the billions. So the real question is if your spouse is down and out and in a depression, how much offence should you take? Logically, unless you are so stubborn and mean, your spouse should be able to recognize the changes you are trying to make on their behalf. So if they can't get out of the funk, you have a few children and have always loved each other, maybe there is more to the midlife transisition. It is so complicated and there are so many layers...The real question is do you have the patience to survive the midlife/depression/transistion/confusion. Can you educate yourself enought to know that life is bloody tough for many people or all of us at one time or another. My suggestion for those experiencing a midlife crisis in their relationship or a sudden change in their spouses behavior is to educate yourself. It take time to educate yourself so this can be an opportunity for you to learn and grow along with your spouse...midlife crisis, depression or just an opportunity to grow? You decide.
But, this time the arguement caused him to sleep on the couch. What a joke? Or is it. When we were younger, we thought that would never happen. But it did.
With two children, my kids see the nice and fun side of me but it seems my husband can only see the negative in the kids. They are still young. 2 & 5.
My husband is probably typical in that he feels neglected because I spend so much energy on the kids. But he comes home and criticizes me for in some ways caring bout our kids? So here I apologize to make him happy.
But, he is so miserable, when I go home, am sure he is going to find some other reason to argue with me. This cannot be healty...
I work the night shifts so when I was leaving for work, and he was just finishing up work, our son was asking to him to read. My husband for whatever reason said, he did not want to read a book. Well that bothered me...I had to say something. So I chimed in, "Why won't you read a book?, I read to the kids all the time."
That is when he snapped, he said he was dealing with our sons bedtime and that I should never undermine his parenting. He said goodby at least as I left for work but then he emailed me that he was really pissed off and he said I had better change my attitude real quick and he was going to talk with me about my behaviour!!!
Our relationship is obviously tainted. Is this a midlife Crisis? wh would not want to spend more time with the kids? Why is my manly husband such a whiner?
But, the thing is, when he starts alking about our marriage, he just rambles on his soapbox and things I am listening. I have tuned him out for the most part. But what really makes me angrey is that I in his eyes am the one doing everything wrong.
I love him, but I know that this type of thing cannot last forever, it is too stressful.
It has been 5 full months since my wife dropped the bomb. "Look I am not in love with you anymore". Since that shocker, we have had a whirlwind of change and to be honest, the light is still dim. But there is a light. My wife I believe is going through a huge midlife transformation. For 2 years she has been online with an ex bf on and off. She goes out and parties with the girls and has in my opinion been hugely influenced by a set of divorced woman. Still, I am at peace now. For those of you going through a spouses midlife crisis, or transformation as I refer to it, unless you knew about this stuff, you are likely going to become your most embarassing self. But as you soon will find, there is nothing you can say to accelerate you spouse out of this any faster. As my therapist says, it is a process. So you will hopefully build up the courage to keep quiet and build your own life as if this current one is gone. It does not mean that you are done though. Life got in the way for us, I did not tend to my wife in hindsight the way I should. But now I see the need to stop judging and stop being critical. Love your wife for who they are as they need your support. Calm down and she might slowly come back. So here is where I am in this midlife journey. I am spending time making my whole family feel safe. I am not blaming. I am growing up myself. I am detaching from my wife as she sorts through the very difficult period in her life. I am still with my wife and I hope we remain, but I can only control myself.
Tired and lonely