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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Depression? Don't judge so fast...

I don't know. I certainly don't think that we should take this midlife stuff so personally. There are people that go through difficult times in midlife and it can be a hugely sobering experience. In addition, it is possible that your spouse may be going through some sort of depression. Chemical imbalances are possible and it may not be a crisis, just a form of depression. Who know the size of the world market for anti-depressant drugs. It has got to be in the billions. So the real question is if your spouse is down and out and in a depression, how much offence should you take? Logically, unless you are so stubborn and mean, your spouse should be able to recognize the changes you are trying to make on their behalf. So if they can't get out of the funk, you have a few children and have always loved each other, maybe there is more to the midlife transisition. It is so complicated and there are so many layers...The real question is do you have the patience to survive the midlife/depression/transistion/confusion. Can you educate yourself enought to know that life is bloody tough for many people or all of us at one time or another. My suggestion for those experiencing a midlife crisis in their relationship or a sudden change in their spouses behavior is to educate yourself. It take time to educate yourself so this can be an opportunity for you to learn and grow along with your spouse...midlife crisis, depression or just an opportunity to grow? You decide.

My Husband is frustrating

I am so frustrated with my husband. We seem to argue alot and there is not much I can do to please him. After our latest arguement, I thought we solved things.

But, this time the arguement caused him to sleep on the couch. What a joke? Or is it. When we were younger, we thought that would never happen. But it did.

With two children, my kids see the nice and fun side of me but it seems my husband can only see the negative in the kids. They are still young. 2 & 5.

My husband is probably typical in that he feels neglected because I spend so much energy on the kids. But he comes home and criticizes me for in some ways caring bout our kids? So here I apologize to make him happy.

But, he is so miserable, when I go home, am sure he is going to find some other reason to argue with me. This cannot be healty...

I work the night shifts so when I was leaving for work, and he was just finishing up work, our son was asking to him to read. My husband for whatever reason said, he did not want to read a book. Well that bothered me...I had to say something. So I chimed in, "Why won't you read a book?, I read to the kids all the time."

That is when he snapped, he said he was dealing with our sons bedtime and that I should never undermine his parenting. He said goodby at least as I left for work but then he emailed me that he was really pissed off and he said I had better change my attitude real quick and he was going to talk with me about my behaviour!!!

Our relationship is obviously tainted. Is this a midlife Crisis? wh would not want to spend more time with the kids? Why is my manly husband such a whiner?

But, the thing is, when he starts alking about our marriage, he just rambles on his soapbox and things I am listening. I have tuned him out for the most part. But what really makes me angrey is that I in his eyes am the one doing everything wrong.

I love him, but I know that this type of thing cannot last forever, it is too stressful.

Please comment....

5 months in

It has been 5 full months since my wife dropped the bomb. "Look I am not in love with you anymore". Since that shocker, we have had a whirlwind of change and to be honest, the light is still dim. But there is a light. My wife I believe is going through a huge midlife transformation. For 2 years she has been online with an ex bf on and off. She goes out and parties with the girls and has in my opinion been hugely influenced by a set of divorced woman. Still, I am at peace now. For those of you going through a spouses midlife crisis, or transformation as I refer to it, unless you knew about this stuff, you are likely going to become your most embarassing self. But as you soon will find, there is nothing you can say to accelerate you spouse out of this any faster. As my therapist says, it is a process. So you will hopefully build up the courage to keep quiet and build your own life as if this current one is gone. It does not mean that you are done though. Life got in the way for us, I did not tend to my wife in hindsight the way I should. But now I see the need to stop judging and stop being critical. Love your wife for who they are as they need your support. Calm down and she might slowly come back. So here is where I am in this midlife journey. I am spending time making my whole family feel safe. I am not blaming. I am growing up myself. I am detaching from my wife as she sorts through the very difficult period in her life. I am still with my wife and I hope we remain, but I can only control myself.
Tired and lonely